I loved my girlfriend unconditionally until she cheated on me.
Category Archives: Spirituality
When under attack:
a) Build a defensive wall
b) Remember that you are a ghost
Do people drink so as to ‘think less’ (presumably about worrisome thoughts) or to see their worrisome thoughts as ‘less real’?
My own experience is of forgetting certain details – some names of people, places, events when I have a drink or two. Things I had ‘access’ to while sober – now seem to be just out of reach. In that sense drink appears to cause forgetting (and may also be a good way of creating the ‘tip of the tongue phenomenon’).
But even when I do remember something i.e. an emotional memory like a ‘worry’ – that worry now seems to be ‘at a distance’ in some way. Is the ‘distance’ I am feeling from that worry – a type of:
i) emotional desensitization
ii) an inability to keep that worry in memory for long enough for it to feel ‘painful’
iii) a lowering of ‘belief’ in the reality of this thought?
Or something else?
I suspect that simply ‘giving your opinion’ about things is a very easy way to get an ego or ‘self-esteem’ boost.
(Which is why I so often give my opinion about things. Apart from genuinely wanting share and ‘develop’ ideas that I think are interesting.)
And why might ‘giving your opinion’ give a quick ego-boost (boost in self-esteem)? Here are some possible reasons:
When you ‘give your opinion:
a) You get to possibly show that you know more than someone else. This demonstration of ‘superior knowledge’ could also allow you to feel superior to another person (if you think that ‘knowing more’ means ‘being a better person’). Actually ‘knowing more’ is not even necessary here. If you can convincingly express your opinion you may manage to convince others (and even yourself) that you know more than those who are listening about the area concerning the expressed opinion.
b) You get to advertise your cleverness (especially if you believe that your idea is ‘original’, ‘sophisticated’, ‘elegant’ or clever in some other way).
c) You get to emotionally ‘affirm’ what you believe and to indulge in ‘zealousness’ about what you already believe.
d) If you believe what you are saying is ‘provocative’ – you get to demonstrate that you ‘don’t care what others think’, that you are brave and courageous enough to ‘speak your mind’ etc.
e) If your opinion has a ‘target’ – you get to condemn or find fault in the process of giving your opinion (another way of feeling superior).
f) You may get to crystalise your own beliefs by putting them into ‘verbal’ form – and so increase your sense of certainty (or decrease your sense of uncertainty) in the process (which may also increase your self-esteem).
g) You get to be the centre of attention – while expressing your opinion.
h) You simply get to ‘add one more brick’ to your identity structure. By giving your opinion – you simultaneously build the idea of who ‘you’ are in your own and other peoples’ minds. Your sense of who you are may appear to become more ‘real’ by having yet one more belief ‘associated’ with you.
By this account, an ‘opinionated’ person may be a person who has chosen ‘expressing their opinion’ as a primary means for attaining and maintaining self-esteem. (e.g. where other ways of attaining and maintaining self-esteem appear less efficient at attaining these goals e.g. through ‘success’ in work, play, love).
When we consider all the above ego-boosting possibilities associated with ‘giving your opinion’ it becomes clearer why so many traditional spiritual traditions provide clear indications surrounding mindfulness of speech, which types of speech are helpful and which are not etc. Even the most ‘innocent’ of processes ‘opinion giving’ might serve as an opportunity for maintaining one’s sense of being a separate self through getting ego-boosts. Giving your opinion when you don’t really NEED to would probably come under the category of ‘idle speech’ in Buddhism.
That said – ‘giving your opinion’ may not always mean you are getting an ego-boost. You may give your opinion simply because you think it may be useful/helpful, because you are asked for it, because its your job to do so, because its a way to start an interesting conversation, because you are ‘showing what you know’ for the purposes of showing how well matched your skills are for a job, because you enjoy or feel compelled to share and develop ideas etc. These actions may or may not be undertaken with the specific purpose of boosting one’s self-esteem.
Sometimes a good question can better direct your thinking than a thousand answers